Hi.
It's been a long time since I've updated this blog simple cause workload has flooded me since. I miss writing down my thoughts but surprisingly, i don't miss it for the same reasons as before.
If you've been reading my blog, it's all been (well, most of it anyway) about this ONE BOY that I've loved and lost. Seems a bit superficial/naive of me to do, right?
Well, here's the thing. It's been 6 months of being single. 6 months of thinking and analyzing my life as a single person.
But what is being single?
I thought that having a boyfriend would fix a problem of mine that I've had ever since middle school. I never really realized it until I asked a good friend of mine to describe and told me what he thinks about me.
He said:
"You're highly misunderstood, you just really wanna be a part of a family, something you have been yearning eversince, may it be in your actual family, or in church, and it is one thing your heart longs for. there are times people misunderstand you but it is just you wanting to feel that family."
Which is very true.
Ok, here it goes.
Having a boyfriend made me feel that I belonged somewhere. Having him made me have the confidence to talk to other people and make friends. It was because of him people actually talked to me. Now that we're not together anymore, I thought that I don't belong anywhere anymore outside of school. People take their sides. Friendships burned. And yes, it was my fault.
It's been 6 months of contemplation that has led me to this.
Sometime January, I went back to church. Honestly, I've been traumatized to go back to church because I was scared to be judged and to be talked about again. It was an innate gut feeling that, though many may contradict by say that I'm simply exaggerating or being paranoid, changed my view on what acceptance and friendship was.
I have made mistakes. I have made wrong turns and some, I took twice. I'm far from perfect and have passed through a lot. I may not have the worst life, but I don't have the best either.
Pain is pain. No matter where it came from or what the backstory is, it still takes a part of you and breaks you. It doesn't matter how hard it hits or how bad the damage was, it still hurts. Nothing can change that.
But what I learned was this.
I BELONG SOMEWHERE. Everyone does. Belongingness doesn't start here on Earth. It starts with God. I have a very small group of people who I know I could run to and accepts me, faults and all. But even then, I don't know how far a friendship or a relationship can be pushed until it breaks because here on Earth, everything has their breaking points. It's only a matter of time and situation. But with God? NOTHING you can do, say, think, or feel can make Him love you any less. I've cursed Him, displeased Him, did things that it totally opposite from what He want me to do and yet He ran after me and said "I WANT HER". There are times I still cry wondering how my life would've been like if things happened differently. But no matter what I do, I can't go back. Things happen for a reason. Right now, we may not know why, but in the end, we would.
It's been 6 months and I'm moving forward.
No matter what I do and even if I stop, life doesn't stop with me. Cold hard truth is? The people you cry for don't always cry for you. The people you think about don't always think about you. The people you love, don't always love you.
But He does. I get m strength from him. I may not be running straight back to Him right now, but I'm crawling. Slowly. Surely. I'm coming home. I'll get there.
I'm starting.
